When silence is the real killer.

Cw: sexual assault, rape, self loathing

I travel to conventions a lot. I’m non-monogamous as well so it works for me because it means that I can go on cute little dates with my partners away from home and I don’t see them year round. I love non-monogamy and I can’t fathom my life being lived any other way, however, this does mean being put at a higher risk for sexual assault. Why? Simple, exposure.

Let’s put it this way, on a day to day basis, human beings are highly unlikely to be covered in shit unless they’re say a parent with a baby or a plumber. Why? Well, we aren’t exposed to a lot of it. With that said, a plumber is far MORE likely to end up with shit on them any given day. It’s a hazard of the job. Why don’t men see men subjecting women to sexual harassment or assault? Because they’re not other straight men’s target market most of the time. Of course they’re not going to see it.

So, I was dating a partner of mine and we decided to share a hotel room one night of a convention. I actually had two partners at this convention and I had planned on spending some time with each of them. I told them both ahead of time the same thing I was telling all of my partners at the time: I don’t have sex at conventions, period. I’m here to work not to have fun. If you want to book a vacation at some point, we can but that’s not what I’m here for. I’d also like to get to bed at a reasonable hour of the night. Vegas is not my scene. I don’t drink, I don’t gamble and I’m not a smoker.

I assumed that at that time, it would be fine, I hoped it would be. Unfortunately for me, this was not the case.

On that night, my partner and I went back to his room. I was explicitly clear that I wanted to go to bed and sleep. I hopped in the gigantic hot tub sized bathtub and he joined, it wasn’t at all sexual. We talked about video games and then I put my full body footy pajamas on because it was really warm to sleep in. At 3 o’clock in the morning I was violently woken up.

My partner was on top of me, literally, attempting to violently grab me in the pussy. I wish I were making this up. I was bruised. I threw him off of me and screamed at him. I was so tired and frustrated by the situation that I just went back to sleep and woke up the next morning before him and I snuck out. I didn’t have the energy to process what had just happened to me. I spent the rest of that convention avoiding him and trying to figure out what to say to him when I was finally confronted.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been sexually assaulted. In fact, all of my firsts were non-consensual but in this case, it was the most violent sexual assault I had experienced which made it particularly traumatic for me. Perhaps the worst part though, was that I knew if I said anything, nobody would believe me. I decided to tell two people, my other partner and one of my friends who pulled me aside because they could tell something was wrong.

I confessed to him what happened. His response was literally, “Well if you were dating me that never would have happened.” In that moment I knew nobody would believe me if I told them why I was walking funny or moping a bit. I knew if I told people the story they would ask me why I didn’t leave right away and I would have to explain that I had nowhere to go. I knew if I told them I had taken a bath head of time they would tell me I had been asking for it. I knew that no matter what, I would be silenced.

On the last day of the convention, after being forced to look at this guy across the hall every single day, the man who violently assaulted me in my sleep, I confronted him. I told him what happened. He looked me in the eye and told me that he didn’t remember any of it and that he must have been having a nightmare or something. It didn’t make it any better. For me, this made it worse. It meant I wasn’t permitted to be angry. It meant I wasn’t ever going to have the closure I deserved. Plus, it’s not like I was raped, I was just violently sexually assaulted. So, I kept quiet and he continued working for the company he worked for. I had to see him at every single convention after that for years but we never spoke again.

Years later I still slap away my partners hands if they come anywhere near my vagina if I’m in a sleepy state. I can’t have other people initiate snuggling with me if I’m asleep. I have to be the person to initiate it. If I’m being completely honest, I much prefer to sleep alone because I’m always worried about waking up to someone violently assaulting me. Every time I go to sleep I’m afraid I’ll be woken up by the same violence I encountered that night. This encounter proved to me that I didn’t deserve closure, it’s hard to let go of that knot in your stomach each night before bed.

In the follow months & years there were countless articles and videos made about women exaggerating sexual assault & harassment in gaming. I wasn’t even upset that they thought it never happened, what upset me was that because I’m such a vocal supporter of women that every time one of these articles or videos were posted people turned to me for a reaction. I then had to put on a face and hide my shame, the fact that I never spoke up about the man who sexually assaulted me and was still walking free in the gaming industry. I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it because he didn’t remember. Who was I to ruin someone’s life over something they didn’t remember? If I’m being honest, I still can’t bring myself to do it on the off chance that it’s true and he really doesn’t remember assaulting me despite feeling like I’ve been gaslit to hell and back over the situation.

He’s no longer working in the game industry. I haven’t followed him at all to keep up with what he’s doing but I can tell you this, every single person you look to who is perceived as strong is viewed that way because they were forged in the flame. I will live with this trauma and pain for the rest of my life. I’ll never be the same after that night and I can’t expect myself to be. It’s an unfair standard to hold myself too. I didn’t deserve what happened to me but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

My ask of my community is this, if you’re hurting because someone hurt you, forgive yourself. Don’t hold yourself to the impossible standard of healing overnight. Understand that trauma is a shitty roommate you’re stuck who never picks up after themselves and you might always be picking up the pieces. Give yourself some slack. Make yourself a bubble bath. Buy a hella fancy vibrator if it suits you and consider loving yourself first. Spend an entire day playing your favorite nostalgic video game because it takes you back to a time when you weren’t so traumatized. Do something, anything, that reminds you that you’re still you and you’re not less of a person because you’re living with trauma and you don’t have to be “strong”.